Let me first back up for a hot minute. Anyone that knows me knows I've somewhat been writing for a while; mostly writing about various seasons of life I'm walking through or various struggles of motherhood I am facing or even terrified about.
I know that God has been asking me to continue writing; and in this new season I feel the sun shining on, still, scary moments and struggles through motherhood and even discovering and loving myself more as His. I know there are other women out there who feel the same way and are possibly walking, well, crawling through this season as well. So, here's to motherhood, Gods Grace, and learning how to say no; enough is enough, at least for this season ;)
As I reflect on 2015 I become angry, somewhat enraged; yet thankful and joyful; rested in the stillness of small steps I've made to stick up for myself and for my family. My pastor asked us the other day in church if we would think about where we were this time in 2014 compared to where we were now. I did not like my answer. I was mad at myself, I was mad that I had let a lot of people and a lot of things keep me from being the woman God had created me to be. Let me rephrase that. I let the devil trip me up several times and right inside my own family. No more. You see; I LOVE Jesus and I yearn for Him, every day. I can be so on fire for God anywhere and anytime except in my own home. Sad right? Well, yes. And no.
Stand still ladies.
Why don't you just take a moment to stand still. What or who is stealing your joy? If you can't get down to the nitty gritty of taking care of yourself how are you going to take care of anyone else? You can't pour from an empty cup. Do you hear me? you. Can't. Pour. From. An. Empty. Cup. And I've got two little people who think I hung the moon and the stars and I want to be the best mom and woman that I can for them.
I've had some terrible moments in 2015. I've been attacked (verbally and emotionally), been accused of wrongdoing, been talked to and about like I was a dog, and just plain treated like shit. In my own home, at work and in my own family. Did I mind? Yep... Being the displacement of others insecurities and assumptions suck. But when I remember who I am, WHOS I am; I don't mind; hell, I've never been one to take much offense and let's be real; most people are idiots and speak with death and hell on their tongues because they just don't know any better.
This year I will not stand for that. You finally reach a point in your life where you've had enough; enough of everyone and everything. I'm pretty sure it's the 34/35 mark ;) I'm building mine up :)
I've spent the majority of my five years taking care of two little people, taking care of a home and working full time. That is enough stress and fatigue in its own. And if you haven't walked through that I don't need your advice, your judgements or your "opinion." We've all got them and we all walk, crawl and run differently and at different times :)
All I can really say is that I've got a long way to go and I don't have the answers or an answer. I just know where I've been, where I'm standing and where I'm headed. And if you aren't for me, then don't be with me. If you can't speak life then just don't speak and if you can't just listen then don't offer a shoulder. People will appreciate you more for what you DONT say and rather how you just be there.
I'm sure I'll continue to re-think friendships, create more boundaries and separate relationships. Only because I'm tired, so damn emotionally tired of my spiritual heart being pulled right back toward the puddle of tears I left on the floor in 2015.
So I dedicate this blog to my fellow mommies out there who have struggled, are struggling, have been at the throes of someone else's dirt and baggage and have found yourself hysterically wheaping feeling the most alone you have ever felt in your entire life. I've been there, some days I'm still there, and I promise to be brave for you, to be brave for myself, to be brave for my family even if my family doesn't look like your family. I know that with God all things are possible and all things are for the good of His Kingdom. He is my Father, my Creator, my Defender and my Healer and I will not stop until I see His beautiful face one day in Heaven ❤️❤️
All my love,
Lisa
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