Breaking the Habit and Receiving Grace

This picture here was taken three days after, what would be for me, the most heartbreaking and disappointing moment as a mother I would feel in this season of parenthood~~

Let me back track for a minute. There have been many times, actions and moments that I am not proud of and hoped could have been different growing up and just figuring out this thing called life. If I was certain of one thing it was going to be that I would do a complete 180 to some of the ways that I was raised as a child toward children of my own. I didn't want to repeat some of the actions I learned. And let me tell you, learned behavior is a hard one to break until God slaps you in the face.

I grew up learning how to "live" in the same home as my parents but there wasn't much engagement in conversation or just being there together, knowing I would always have a solid rock to fall on. It was like people just walking around not really talking, speaking words of praise, and there was never any room for grace or understanding. I learned to seek comfort from myself or from my surroundings, my friends, co-workers, social media, etc.

Well, it was exactly three weeks ago to the day that I received the dreaded teacher/director "let's sit down and talk" text. Immediately that arrow of conviction hit me in the deepest part of my heart and stomach and I knew God wasn't playing around anymore. He is faithful to chastise me every time.

Five months prior to this Meadow was moving up to her big girl class, the notorious new age of new friends, more talking, communicating, insecurities, and you guessed it, more dramas. Meadow walked in to the ripe age of four and coming in to her own little person. Behind that swiftly followed Christmas, birthdays, Thanksgiving, and more birthdays, one exhausting yet thrilling milestone after another. While the world was spinning before my face, the devil knew how he would win me out on this. I was losing my head, forgetting to take my Zoloft and losing my patience and cool with my husband and more so our children. I was enthralled on facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, email, texting, a new business/ItWorks adventure, whatever distraction was grasping my attention and therefore leaving little room for grace and compassion for my children. And the worst part; I knew better. God had not only been repeatedly using my husband to convict me of my "bad habit" but He was also consistently convicting me Himself. And I continued to refuse to listen.
But this time He brought me full force to the carpet, to my knees with uncontrollable tears and heartache, embarrassment and sincerity. Even now as I type this I cannot help but cry and be ashamed of the one bad habit I had become. Meadow had become withdrawn, somewhat sad and somewhat mean to her friends. She didn't participate in class and did not sing with the light of Jesus that I know she has in Bible. Bible and singing are her favorite parts of her school day. Meadow had learned my same childhood behavior, that sometimes it's just best not to say anything at all. I was with her every day but I was not REALLY WITH HER. And this is the age where she needs my full attention, no matter what. Period.
I was in a hangover from this moment for the next few days; sad, disappointed, mad, hopeless. I took quick action to shut off everything around me, whatever it was, it could wait, I needed space and time to grieve my baby girls', and my own, heartbreak.

After about a week or so, God reminded me how Great He is and how perfect and strong He is when I am weak. He told me to get up, that He had created a new day, that all things are made new in Him. He said to me, Lisa be a proud mother that you allow Me to move and stir in You, that you can see this change I am asking of you and take action now before you stumble down a blind path. Cling to Me child, I am your Father and no one will pluck you from My hand and no one will cause you harm, My Grace is sufficient. You will have bad days and that is okay, take heart, I have overcome this world and these many troubles that you still will face.
I couldn't have clung to His cross any harder that day than I did three weeks ago.

So, I lay my weakness, my imperfection before you to say this to you, all mommies out there, whatever is giving you anxiety, angst in your day, distraction in your household; PUT IT DOWN. And if you need something to take the edge off, then that is okay and that is just what you need. It doesn't make you a broken mommy, a bad mommy, a messed up woman. Every woman's walk is different and every woman's limits are different. I knew what was the right thing to do but I chose to ignore it and at the cost of my daughter's emotion and the shaping of her heart. If you have people in your life that aren't speaking LIFE in to you; you need to tell them no, if you have social media and other "habits" that are pulling you away from your God and family, you need to tell them no. Tell them no and tell God yes.

God tells us:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” ~ Matt 11: 28-30

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." ~ Romans 12:2

This was my weakness and I made a change:

God has been gracious that in these past three weeks my genuine quality time with Meadow has completely transformed her spirit. Our quality time has been spent talking, cuddling, loving and just being together. Even if I am not saying or doing anything, just being by her is what she needs. These are the most important years of her life and while God has given me a gift to speak life in and to others outside my home, I should be more apt to speak life in to my loved ones within my home. Meadow is my saving Grace and her unconditional love is much like Jesus, even when I fail her daily, she still loves me, she's still on my team, and we will never give up on each other. And even though her picture above was three days after my downfall, I made sure to start then and she has the most precious, beaming smile. She is my biggest fan. <3

All my love, 
Lisa