Forgive Mommy for Having a Very Bad Day

For some reason gliding my fingers across a keyboard releases some peace about me.
I found myself sitting at another "rock bottom" moment in my life, feeling like a failure at everything, and, like most women, comparing myself to the ideals of "nothing."

Then the next thing you know I am reading that article about 'How to be a better mom'... 'Don't give yourself such a hard time'... 'Mommy they need you right now'.. and blah blah blah; adding to my already "no good, feeling sorry for myself, bad mom, day." Leave me alone.
Somewhere along the line I started letting what other people had to say have an effect on me and where I was in my season of life; whether with my husband, my children, or myself. I learned how to take what they say with a grain of salt and keep pushing.
I won't lie, it has been an up and down struggle for me for four years to try to be a good woman, a good mother, a serving wife, a provider, and steadfast homemaker. And all while having two toddlers 14 months apart doesn't make my "tasks" any easier or my effort any less deserving. Everyone needs a piece of me; for something, so it feels.

I am pretty sure I almost had divorce papers pulled up on my iPhone last night when my husband walked in. He had already worked a long hard day and evening so of course that is exactly what he wanted to come home to. And I can honestly say what put me over the edge was somewhere between our son deciding it was better to relieve himself on the couch cushion, our son and daughter smashing goldfish in to the carpet, and then they both thought it would be comical to spit on to our pillows. I mean really? I'm over here just trying to cook some bacon and French toast, COME ON!! Don't even go there... Yes, I did get the spoon, and yes, we discipline our children and no they don't act like that all the time. But, this was the wrong evening. I was not the one and this was not the day.
After reality and God's grace sunk in; 12 hours later, I couldn't believe I wanted to leave over a pee stained cushion, goldfish, and spit. Don't get me wrong, at that moment of frustration those were some very good reasons to haul tail out of there, but there's a whole lot of bad that could go on if Paul and I were separated that would be worse than a pee stained cushion.

I was having a very bad day.

So, you'll have to excuse me if I stare at you with a dumbfounded I'd rather slit my wrists look while you tell me and/or comment with "you will miss these years and them wanting you".... Ummmmm, I'm pretty sure someone once told me that about my four years in college, and, well, 10 years later, nope. Not missing college. Excuse me if I flipping lose it, I mean LOSE IT, probably look like I'm going a little postal, but my daughter is acting like a drama queen, my son is throwing matchbox cars within inches of my forehead, my husband is picking up sweet tea instead of unsweet tea, washing clothes, making beds, wiping boogers off of everything, cleaning up spills, emptying a dishwasher, removing child from said dishwasher, repeating myself 2, 349 times about everything, can I take a poop and not have my son ask to see it? Forgive me if my jaw drops, I may even start to drool a little, because you are complaining that you are so tired and you have one child who can practically dress and feed him or herself. Forgive me if I can't get on my knees and pray at 9:30 in the morning while practicing an oomblamgata Yoga pose because I am praying while stuffing my face with old crackers from my desk making sure some old man who forgot his badge isn't walking around somewhere he isn't supposed to be.
You see, I yearn for certain things too, and prayerfully, in time, they will come. Of course God wants us to draw near to Him all the time. He even tells us in His word that it is better for a man to remain single because then we can give our ALL to God; our everything, our every thought.

So, here I am, in all of my glorious and raw, horrible imperfections and mishaps of a mother, still clinging to Jesus' cloak and asking Him to guide me through this season of my life because I cannot do this alone.
Will I miss our children being little, playing, their innocence and unconditional, forgiving love for me always? Yes, quite more than yes. But I am prayerfully looking forward to the years where I can have a meaningful conversation with Meadow, where we can all play and discover life as a family, and I can carry on a 10 minute conversation with my husband and get to know him, truly continuing to get to know him.

And with this I ask forgiveness of my husband and my children; forgive mommy for having a very bad day <3

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3

Joy, Responsibility, and the Bait of Satan

Now, before I get in to this long post, I must for warn you, it's going to be a doozy, because I have three points I want to make in this post about finding your Joy... So, grab your coffee, or whatever it is that keeps your eyeballs open in the morning.

It's been about six months of estranged, disappointing, disheartening, and not enough contentment in my life. Things that I was and still am praying for are just not coming to fruition and now I am in a state of frustration with myself and God; a spiritual dry spell and a blue mood.

Welcome to the devil's playground; the bait of Satan.

Satan hooked me on these three things:

A workplace
A non-existent relationship between a father and a daughter
A desire to change my husband to "catch up" to where I am in my own walk with God.
{just typing those three things, I just gave myself a headache-- that is an emotional/spiritual mess!}

All three of those leading me to the disaster area that is caving around me and causing me unrest and unruly behavior.

I remembered a saying that a dear friend of mine shared with me about finding Joy and learning to have a content heart with Jesus, before Jesus will give me anything else; knowing that He is the giver, supplier, filler, lover of everything good in my life. How could I forget this? I knew all this, but many good things said are easily forgotten when our hearts are drowning in sea of discontent.

Let me elaborate on my three topics from above and where the devil has almost won in taking me out on these three things.

A workplace-- Not every workplace is great and there are days where I would like to pack my office, flip everyone the bird, and take my family to Africa and run wild with the zebras... Reality check. Work is work, it will be here long after I have left this world, and it is a part of supporting my family, it is what I do and I like what I do. But, it can also be emotionally, mentally, and spiritually draining. Even the relationships you develop at work. I have since had to space myself from certain relationships that are not pushing me toward Christ, but pulling me toward hell. Turmoil, grief, and chaos in the workplace was slowly starting to steal my Joy, not only from myself, but from my husband and my children. Bait of Satan #1

A non-existent relationship between a father and a daughter. Wow! This one is a little much; but I need to be brutally honest and raw. I was and still am trying to force a relationship, a love that every little girl desires from a man who didn't make much of an effort to reciprocate for the past 31 years of my life. Why should I be surprised that I am not getting the response and love that I feel like I deserve? Well, because that is just how a little girl feels, and while it is okay to have that feeling, the devil is using it to his benefit.
I have a father who has just not made much of an effort to get to know me for the past 31 years of my life: this is truth. I love my dad very much and I will honor him as God has asked me to do and I thank God that I came in to this life of mine. I also have a stepdad who didn't hug and show much physical affection or verbal affection while I was growing up, but he did the best that he could and he is a great dad and provider for our family and to my mom. I honor and love him very much as well.
BUT Satan knows that is a part of my weak flesh, he knows how to push the "daddy doesn't love you" button and throw me off focus- to get focused on that hurt and let my own loving husband and children fall through the cracks of my misery. Bait of Satan #2

A desire to change my husband to "catch up" to where I am in my own walk with God. Well, ladies just stop it. Not gonna happen and you need to just let this go. {Excuse me while I burst in to song from Frozen...} My husband is supposed to be my JOY, not my responsibility. His walk with God will come in time through MY PRAYER for my husband. Wait.. What was that? Yep, there ya go... It might help if us ladies prayed more for our husbands so that they will grow in their own walk with God. Prayer is a powerful thing you know ;O)
It's okay that I may be spiritually stronger, in a different place in my walk with God. That's okay. And it's okay that my husband is three steps behind or three steps ahead of me. Release the urge to change him and let go of the responsibility to be the "leader" and just learn to ENJOY him and PRAY for him. The devil will surely try to win you over on this one; I mean you're getting pissed off at your husband while trying to talk about scripture, right? LOL!! Bait of Satan #3

Do what you can; all things in time.

Now, find the Joy: while the next couple of weeks are going to be challenging for me because the devil tells me every day that it's easier to quit and not to pray about anything, God's word says different, always:

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  " Philippians 4:6 

"Pray continually" 1 Thessalonians 5:17

"    Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God's place in your hearts. " 1 John 5

I challenge you, for the next three weeks, to stay away from anything that might take the place of God in your hearts, to find your true Joy in the things and people that are right in front of you, and to relish in the light of the Mighty King- you belong to Him <3

But Jesus told him, "Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God." Luke 9:62

All my love,
L

Learning to Submit

I don't really have a long and exacerbated post for this time, but a thought that has been on my mind for a while; a word -- submission.

I am trying to figure out this thing called submission, especially to God's will and plan for my life and, of course, to my husband. I am a strong willed, independent, stubborn bia at times; okay I take that back; at all times and I struggle daily with this.

God really has my heart strings pulling at some areas in my life that I need to get together. I mean seriously; almost to the point that I want to punch my own self in the face sometimes.

God tells me to wait and be still; to wait on Him; my season is coming --

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A Time for Everything

 3 There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—

² A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
³ A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
⁴ A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
⁵ A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
⁶ A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
⁷ A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
⁸ A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

So I wait; I am still. I continue to pray and ask God to show me how to do all this- I know He wants to use my strengths, but I dwell too much on my weaknesses. I know that all He needs is a willing heart. I am willing Lord; I am willing.

<3
Lisa