For some reason gliding my fingers across a keyboard releases some peace about me.
I found myself sitting at another "rock bottom" moment in my life, feeling like a failure at everything, and, like most women, comparing myself to the ideals of "nothing."
Then the next thing you know I am reading that article about 'How to be a better mom'... 'Don't give yourself such a hard time'... 'Mommy they need you right now'.. and blah blah blah; adding to my already "no good, feeling sorry for myself, bad mom, day." Leave me alone.
Somewhere along the line I started letting what other people had to say have an effect on me and where I was in my season of life; whether with my husband, my children, or myself. I learned how to take what they say with a grain of salt and keep pushing.
I won't lie, it has been an up and down struggle for me for four years to try to be a good woman, a good mother, a serving wife, a provider, and steadfast homemaker. And all while having two toddlers 14 months apart doesn't make my "tasks" any easier or my effort any less deserving. Everyone needs a piece of me; for something, so it feels.
I am pretty sure I almost had divorce papers pulled up on my iPhone last night when my husband walked in. He had already worked a long hard day and evening so of course that is exactly what he wanted to come home to. And I can honestly say what put me over the edge was somewhere between our son deciding it was better to relieve himself on the couch cushion, our son and daughter smashing goldfish in to the carpet, and then they both thought it would be comical to spit on to our pillows. I mean really? I'm over here just trying to cook some bacon and French toast, COME ON!! Don't even go there... Yes, I did get the spoon, and yes, we discipline our children and no they don't act like that all the time. But, this was the wrong evening. I was not the one and this was not the day.
After reality and God's grace sunk in; 12 hours later, I couldn't believe I wanted to leave over a pee stained cushion, goldfish, and spit. Don't get me wrong, at that moment of frustration those were some very good reasons to haul tail out of there, but there's a whole lot of bad that could go on if Paul and I were separated that would be worse than a pee stained cushion.
I was having a very bad day.
So, you'll have to excuse me if I stare at you with a dumbfounded I'd rather slit my wrists look while you tell me and/or comment with "you will miss these years and them wanting you".... Ummmmm, I'm pretty sure someone once told me that about my four years in college, and, well, 10 years later, nope. Not missing college. Excuse me if I flipping lose it, I mean LOSE IT, probably look like I'm going a little postal, but my daughter is acting like a drama queen, my son is throwing matchbox cars within inches of my forehead, my husband is picking up sweet tea instead of unsweet tea, washing clothes, making beds, wiping boogers off of everything, cleaning up spills, emptying a dishwasher, removing child from said dishwasher, repeating myself 2, 349 times about everything, can I take a poop and not have my son ask to see it? Forgive me if my jaw drops, I may even start to drool a little, because you are complaining that you are so tired and you have one child who can practically dress and feed him or herself. Forgive me if I can't get on my knees and pray at 9:30 in the morning while practicing an oomblamgata Yoga pose because I am praying while stuffing my face with old crackers from my desk making sure some old man who forgot his badge isn't walking around somewhere he isn't supposed to be.
You see, I yearn for certain things too, and prayerfully, in time, they will come. Of course God wants us to draw near to Him all the time. He even tells us in His word that it is better for a man to remain single because then we can give our ALL to God; our everything, our every thought.
So, here I am, in all of my glorious and raw, horrible imperfections and mishaps of a mother, still clinging to Jesus' cloak and asking Him to guide me through this season of my life because I cannot do this alone.
Will I miss our children being little, playing, their innocence and unconditional, forgiving love for me always? Yes, quite more than yes. But I am prayerfully looking forward to the years where I can have a meaningful conversation with Meadow, where we can all play and discover life as a family, and I can carry on a 10 minute conversation with my husband and get to know him, truly continuing to get to know him.
And with this I ask forgiveness of my husband and my children; forgive mommy for having a very bad day <3
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3
